Waiting
by Kyouhaku
Summary: She will give in the way she can and love in the way she knows. And then she can quietly take and receive, demand and expect, because this is what hope offers.


AN: Rambling, written in the spur of the moment, appreciation to a character I hold very _near_ and _dear_ to my heart. She's so self-sacrificing yet and the same time greedy; loving yet at the same time spiteful; understanding, yet and the same time just a fifteen year old girl. But above all, I believe her emotion is **real** and that's what makes it count. So (_cough_) enough rambling and such.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, blahdeblahblah. And don't hold me responsible for bad grammar and changing tenses! It's a spur of the moment, I-need-to-let-it-flow thing. And yes I abuse the hyphens.

* * *

_Waiting_

Even though it's been a while (and Kagome knows what "a while" means…falling down wells, going back in time…it's a natural part of the process), Kagome still finds herself wondering. She still finds herself lying on her back, eyes sometimes gazing at that familiar ceiling above her head that sometimes seems too close, but so secure, and sometimes gazing at that open starry sky, seeming unfamiliar yet still comforting. She just lies there and thinks. She thinks of the past (or is it the present? Who really knows), the present, the future; of hanyous and priestesses, of jewels and fragments, of that big, gaping canyon between them and _she just can't __**reach**_.

She's _supposed _to be Kagome, Higurashi Kagome – the girl who's always by your side, always encouraging you, always putting her own wants and needs aside, always _forgetting about __**herself**_**. **And sometimes (it truly does frighten her), she'll feel a twinge of jealous, a snake constricting around her heart, daring her to try and breathe and just live through it.

This must be what jealousy is.

Jealousy. What a funny word, she thinks. She's supposed to be selfless and giving; she's already given her heart. But that's not what really matters. Because even though she's given something that she considers to be the most important thing in the world, she hasn't gotten what she wanted. She's lost all of herself, and that's because Higurashi Kagome does **not **believe in doing things halfway.

-*-

Every now and then, when night falls, and the group is soundly together, like a little family filled with laughter, love, slaps, and shouts, Kagome knows Inuyasha is far away from them. Oh, he's there, physically, Tetsusaiga nestled in the crook of his arm as he perches on a tree branch (_"What a bird!"_), but one look in his golden eyes, and you know he's gone to a place fifty years ago and you just can't get him back.

Kagome knows she's self-gratifying when she believes she's the only one who can get him back, her voice surpassing that of Shippou's loud ramblings, Miroku's firm commands, Sango's quiet admonishing, Kikyou's _silky smooth _murmuring. But she doesn't care. She doesn't care because she's sick of being a doormat, sick of being the one who everyone automatically assumes is Inuyasha's _meant-to-be_ because she knows she _isn't_.

Not when she hasn't gotten back that part of her she's looking for.

But she'll calm down, take a deep breath, and know that she's made a promise to stay by his side. How foolish fifteen year old girls can be, how foolishly in love they can act, but that's what makes Kagome all the more endearing. She opens her heart, opens her arms, all for the one who'd turn her away. He'd rather go to the one who's openly selfish, openly declaring her love for him.

Sometimes she wonders if _that's _how she should be.

But she quietly shakes her head, turns over, and believes she's doing things _right _and at _her own pace_. She will give in the way she can and love in the way she knows. And then she can quietly take and receive, demand and expect, because this is what hope offers.

-*-

They've come a long way from the hate-hate relationship, to the "I-think-this-is-friendship-but-not-quite" to the awkward stages of crushing, to the realization of first (second) loves, to the understanding of how happily ever after is quite frankly relative and not always a part of the story. Kagome understands that she is the stranger, the one who is familiar but isn't, who belongs but somehow finds a way to drift apart. She can never really be _all there_.

That's why when he awkwardly, hesitatingly rests his hand atop hers, she blushes, she stills, she loves, and she breaks. She's jealous because even though she's happy to get this far, this much, she knows somewhere in the back of her mind, the thought of him kissing Kikyou, holding Kikyou, and being so openly in love, kills her. Just absolutely **kills **her. She wants to be "the one", the girl he loves and would never be ashamed to admit so.

But somehow, some way, she lets it slide, and revels in the fact that he's touching her for the moment, showing his love in small, appreciative amounts; he's being gentle and slow, afraid of making past mistakes. She can at least be grateful for that.

One day though, one day, she'll surely break from all this emotion, and all this feeling; she'll be left cold and empty because she gives too much for the little she receives. And that's why Kikyou probably is left untroubled, knowing she has Inuyasha by the heartstrings, and knowing she's the puppeteer who's always flicking him farther and farther away from a lovesick girl who's too weak to do anything about anything.

In some ways, she admires this dead priestess. She's dead, but she's trying.

Kagome's alive, and sometimes she thinks that's just not good enough.

-*-

It's one of those nights. She just knows.

The sky seems to be darker, the stars dimmer, her heart heavier. She can feel the presence of someone just like her except she has everything Kagome could ever want and more. But she's stuck to her sleeping bag, something she suddenly wishes she didn't have because it made her seem all that more foreign and unaccepted.

She's sure Inuyasha can hear her heart hammering wildly in her chest, with a ba-bump crying for him and fearing for the future. (_Ba-bump _why can't you _ba-bump _just stay? _Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump_)

Every time she hears his soft footsteps stepping on the grass, she imagines he's running off for good, off to a place where the love is tangible and factual, universally known. Not some replica, some pale imitation, because despite how often she denies being Kikyou, she knows somewhere, deep down, she is her, in a roundabout way, but the one who just has to try harder, work longer, and hope more.

She squeezes her eyes shut, tugs the sleeping bag closer to her chin, and just prays she'll wake up to see a familiar hanyou by her side again.

And somewhere, off in the distance, she imagines that she can hear soft murmurs, quiet promises, and passionate kisses with so much more meaning behind them.

-*-

Somewhere along the way, Higurashi Kagome gave up on being the patiently waiting, doe-like girl who would rather sit and wait around instead of charging headfirst, plunging into the figurative storm. She's far from being whole, far from being complete, but god she is _trying_. She's done with the pitying looks from Sango, the understanding nods from Miroku, the permanent adoration from Shippou despite all her faults; she is done.

There was a Kagome before the one who fell down the well, the one who would throw everything, her family, her friends, her education, **everything **away. This Kagome was still the same in the fact that she'd love Inuyasha, she'd stay by his side, but she wouldn't pine. She wouldn't expect him to give because that'd be true love and this was more like one-sided-I'll-just-let-it-go love. Still, she'll be there to reprimand him for hitting Shippou, there to clean up his wounds, there to help gather Shikon shards, there to let him know someone else loves him just as much.

It was crazy from the start, and sometimes, she still has relapses, but that's okay. (_"It's just the way it goes" she smiles_). Even if all she will ever get is a hug, a spur of the moment _"I need you" _phrase, a quick grasping of the hand…it's all worth it and more.

Because this is what hope offers.

* * *

Reviews?! Thoughts?! Criticisms?!

I'm open.

BTW, totally NOT Kikyou-bashing. Because I love her too.


End file.
